your power may be making you hard to read (or worse!)

I hate talking about movies with movie snobs — I’ll under-confidently offer some opinion then, in the excruciating seconds before they react, find myself scrutinizing every wrinkle in their brow and every crease in their squinted eyes. Right or wrong, I’ll often interpret consideration for exasperation in these situations. This doesn’t happen to me in all situations, though; it’s just that I’m especially antennas up, searching for signals in body language, when I know I’m with a true expert.

Like to admit it or not, becoming a leader means no longer being “just one of the gang.” Having power makes people search for cues about our judgment of them in every detail of our interactions with them. Having trouble with people treating your I’m thinking face as more of a they think I’m stupid face? In other words, do people sometimes mistakenly code your neutral consideration for negative frustration? These power dynamics may be to blame.

To fix this, try an experiment. In each interaction this week, when considering ideas in meetings with your direct reports, intentionally try to signal positivity as you think. For instance, smile and affirm before pausing to think.

Great teachers are instinctively good at this: When students take academic risks — and make academic mistakes — a great teacher’s smile will never break. Seasoned teachers are well attuned to the emotional needs of their students and, critically, feel ownership of handling those needs responsibly. 

Your power over your direct reports both makes them more searching for your reaction and makes you more on-the-hook for handling that well. You may not want to acknowledge that power differential. The ones most likely to code your neutral reactions as negative ones are also the people most keenly aware of the power differential.

-ben