how to trigger (and increase) your emotional intelligence

You may find yourself frowning at a memory of doing something in a meeting or conversation that felt rash and misaligned with your values. The way I acted then is not the way I’d hope to act in the future. This sequence of thoughts is a good example of self-awareness. 

A critical next step in emotional intelligence is self-regulation. Not just knowing you have a tendency, but taking steps to address or adjust it in the moment.

My recommended trick is: before entering a situation where you have struggled in the past, imagine your future self looking back on this moment telling your present self what to do. Then do what your future self recommends. Sometimes that recommendation can take the form of a mantra - if so, great. Use that mantra in your preparation.

Some people may be naturals at this. The good news for the rest of us is that you can practice and get better. To practice, think of the ways the meeting could go well. Next, think about where you’re at emotionally when meetings go that way and what those emotions lead you to do, say, and avoid. Prepare for this upcoming meeting by imagining that success flowing from your productive emotions. If you have a mantra or catchphrase that ushers you into that productive emotional place, use it.

My guess is that this is all some version of putting some space between stimulus and response.

Some say that you can accomplish this with regular meditation, that that practice slows your response to stimuli and affords you the chance to change or choose the response once you have it.

I’m not an experienced meditator, so I can’t speak to the effectiveness of that particular approach. But I know lots of people who helpfully bring their future selves into the present when they pause, voice a centering mantra, and deliberately choose that future self.

-ben