are you building or defending?

Work, human relationships, the work of human relationships can feel complicated and messy and elusive. I can’t get a sure grip. Or I find myself running the same script over and over with the same results.

Enter the binary. A crude either/or. It’s not a complete, permanent, concrete story. That’s the point. It’s a lens to try on. You look through the new lens and see the same set of facts in a new way. This may prompt new things to try and those new things can get new results.

One of my favorite binaries at work is building | defending.

I ask myself: am I building or defending right now?

Building requires a certain openness. Building is a bet on the future. It’s also a bet on your fellow builders. It’s a statement of trust in the face of the unknown. Building is assertive. A building, a built thing, is an assertion.

Defending requires a certain closure. Defending is a protection of the past. It's a statement of pride in the known. Defending is negative; it negates, screens out, or minimizes what might try to break in or slip past.

I don’t have enough experience or confidence to say that building is always better than defending. There are situations where you need to defend. 

That said, I have found in my relationships that things go better over time when I am building more often than I am defending. Situations where defending is the right move most of the time are situations I usually want to get out of. I’m better off finding a situation where I can build. 

Instead of protecting present me - which I usually do by arguing for the value of past me – I can use present me to find future me.

In a debate over a controversial idea with a teammate, I can try to win. If I’m doing that, I’m defending. I’m protecting my ego, my rightness, my intellect, my idea. I’m making scarcity a rule of the game. There’s only one winner. So I need to win. 

In that same debate, I can try to build instead. If I’m doing that, I’m not looking for the weaknesses in an opponent; I’m more likely to look for her strengths. What is useful, propulsive, interesting, or even just charged with energy in what she is saying? Those are all materials for building - building a new understanding, a new approach, a new conversation, and a new outcome. 

In negotiations, your posture, tone, and outcomes are likely different if you come to the table seeking to create a new version of your relationship with the other party rather than trying to prevent loss of some pre-determined set of goods. The first way is building; the second is defending.

Building and defending. A binary, a lens. Use it and take a look at a current pain point. Take a look at your posture (maybe even your physical posture).

In this situation, are you building or defending? Where is that getting you? What if you switched from one to the other? How big a risk would it be to try?